I pick my battles. (Anxiety/Depression and Self Care)

I promised updates.

The VAN IS FIXED.

Thank you all for the help in getting that way.  It is drivable.  I find it handles differently.  The key sort of sticks in the lock, and steering feels…weird. Yet is drives just fine. I just need to get over it “feeling” different.

I need to get over the waves of anxiety that have descended.

I drove it home, and have not gotten in it in a few days.  We’ve all been down with a cold/virus/flu thing so we haven’t had a pressing need to go out.  I need to get out today though, our one and only phone broke and I fight with strong anxiety concerning driving.  I also feel less secure. I wonder what will be ruined next. I look outside wondering who will try to hurt us next.  I don’t want to go anywhere.

A friend is handling bee’s music lessons tomorrow,  if she’s feeling alright. She plays several instruments and her father’s family has gifted this fall’s lessons. I probably wont be able to afford the spring set, but she is devoted and self studies, so we’ll pick some things for her to learn on her own then. Bee is an amazing everything- sister, daughter, budding musician/mathematician/engineer. It’s not bragging. It’s fact. (ok, maybe a little 😉  )

This Sunday is a kick off for this years entomology meetings (it follows the university school year). Purely a social thing. I am dreading it.  Feeling like, I’ll be a total mute and look inept, and just end up sitting silently…and, I’m not the caliber of scientist that I should even count myself among them. Why go anyway?

Feeling sick (and I do) may be a way to avoid it, but if I’m feeling alright, its an obligation in a way. Shirking my obligations… great Amanda.

Yes, evil viscous negative self defeating thoughts, running round and around. The plus is I recognize that.  This is anxiety.

I’ve seen pity-plea gifs. online comparing autism to a battle, and parents as battle worn.

I don’t battle being autistic. I don’t battle ADD. I certainly don’t battle my children’s autism.

I DO battle crippling anxiety. I battle depression.  (two lovely PTSD add-ons)

As unfortunately, seeing it for what it is, is NOT enough.

Because.

It leads to paralyzing inertia.  I have all these thoughts and ideas that  spin round my brain, and I should move on them..all of it.

Life ebbs and flows, I’m sure this will pass. I’m just lucky the ebb has coincided with a school break for us, or I’d probably be whining about failing as a homeschooler too.

So dealing with this (since i do recognize it)

Since my phone broke, and I have to get out, but we’ll also go to the park for a picnic.  That should help.  Also will addressing goals for the next week or so… that should help too.

This is self care.

So is withdrawing a bit until I feel better.

I need to decide for myself what works and what doesn’t and you know, if the anxiety is too bad Sunday, I shouldn’t feel bad, or be made to feel bad, because I can’t go.  Painting that free day instead may be just the thing. this is self care.

Many people do not respect that.

Oh well.

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